Jokes from the net

 

 

Jokes
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A Vampire and a Snowman – A: Frostbite…

I resign… – The president of a large corporation opened his directors
meeting by announcing, ‘All those who are opposed to the plan I am about
to propose will reply by saying, ‘I resign.”

The Buffalo Theory, – As explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers to his buddy
Norm. “Well ya see, Norm, it’s like this… A herd of buffalo can only
move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is
the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This
natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general
speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing
of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only
operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol,
as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and
weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer
eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more
efficient machine. That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.”

Dress of Love – An old woman went to visit her daughter and she found her
naked, waiting for her husband. The mother asks the daughter “What are you
doing naked?” The daughter responds “This is the dress of love.” When the
mother returns home, she strips naked and waits for her husband. When her
husband arrives, he asks her “What are you doing naked, woman?” She
responds “This is the dress of love.” And he said to her “Well, go iron
the thing first!”

Paper to Grow On – A wife was complaining about her breasts being small
and was thinking about getting the done surgically. Her husband told her
the way to make her breast grow would be to rub toliet paper between
everyday. The wife was skeptical but went and got some toliet paper and
started rubbing between her breast. The wife asked the husband how long do
I have to do this. The husband said a few years. The wife exclaimed a few
years? Are you sure this is going to work? The husband replied it worked
on your butt, didn’t it?

Smarty Pants – A son walks into the living room and asks his dad to borrow
the car because he has a hot date. The dad says, “Sure, as soon as you cut
your long hair.” The boy smiles and thinking he has outsmarted his dad
replies, “Dad, Jesus had long hair…” And the dad replies, “Yeah, and
Jesus walked everywhere he went too, didn’t he?”

Good Intentions – A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates.
“Have you ever done anything of partiicular merit?” St. Peter asks. “Well,
I can think of one thing,” the man offers. “Once, on a trip to the Black
Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers
who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone,
but they wouldn’t listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily
tattooed biker. I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped
out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, then told him, “Leave her
alone now or you’ll answer to me.” St. Peter was impressed. “When did this
happen?” “Just a couple of minutes ago.”

The Little Pirate – A little boy goes into a department store dressed as a
pirate. A saleslady sees him and says, “Well, aren’t you cute, but where
are your buccaneers?” The little boy looks up at her and says, “On my
bucking head!!!”

Every Man for Himself – An Englishman, a German and a Frenchman were
crossing the Atlantic in an ocean liner. The boat was ready to sink and
they got out the lifeboats. The Englishman called out, “Women and children
first.” The German said, “Screw the women.” The Frenchman replied, “Do we
have time?”

The Fortune Teller – A man was wandering around a fairground and he
happened to see a fortune-tellers tent. Thinking it would be good for a
laugh, he went inside and sat down. “Ah…” said the woman as she gazed
into her crystal ball. “I see you are the father of two children.” “That’s
what you think”, the man laughed. I’m the father of THREE children.” The
woman grinned and said, “That’s what YOU think!”

Where’s my Wife? – A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large
supermarket and said, “I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you
talk to me for a couple of minutes?” The woman looked puzzled. “Why talk
to me?” she asked. “Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my
wife appears out of nowhere.”

Grandma’s 100th Birthday Bash – The family wheeled Grandma out on the
lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were
taking place. Grandma couldn’t speak very well, but she could write notes
when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn,
Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed
her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right. A short time
later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed
her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so
the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her
waist to hold her up. A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma
and said, “Hi Grandma, you’re looking good! How are they treating you?”
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew,
“They won’t let me fart.”

Birth Control Pills – An elderly woman went into the doctor. When the
doctor asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth
control pills.” Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then
said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you’re 75 years old. What possible use
could you have for birth control pills?” The woman responded, “They help
me sleep better.” The doctor thought some more and continued, “How in the
world do birth control pills help you to sleep?” The woman said, “I put
them in my granddaughter’s orange juice and I sleep better at night.”

Three Men – Three men were on a plane, a preacher, a hippie and the
smartest man in the world. The pilot had a heart attach and died, and the
plane started going down. There were only two parachutes, so the smartest
man in the world stated that the world needs him so he was going first,
and he bailed out. The preacher told the hippie that he had lived a long
satisfying life, and told the hippie he could have the other parachute.
The hippie told him that they could both have one because the smartest man
in the world jumped out with his backpack.

STAT! – Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than
500 employees and has the following statistics: *29 have been accused of
spousal abuse *7 have been arrested for fraud *19 have been accused of
writing bad checks *117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least
two businesses *3 have done time for assault *71 cannot get a credit card
due to bad credit *14 have been arrested on drug-related charges *8 have
been arrested for shoplifting *21 are currently defendants in lawsuits *84
have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year Can you guess which
organization this is? Give up yet? It’s the 535 members of the United
States Congress. The same group of idiots that crank out hundreds of new
laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.

Silent Break In – A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with
the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. “You’ll get
your chance in court,” said the Desk Sergeant. “No, no, no!” said the man.
“I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve
been trying to do that for years!”

NASA Ingenuity – When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they
quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To
combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to
develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on
almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below
freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

Two Pigeons – Two pigeons sat on a roof when a low flying jet fighter
plane passed overhead. Said the first pigeon to the second one, “Wow! That
guy was really going fast!” The second pigeon replied, “So would you, if
your butt was on fire!”

The Mother-In-Law Tragedy – A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by
her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While
they were walking through the barn, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up
and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. At the
funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and
greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman
would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say
something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would
shake his head no and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the
farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, “The women would say,
‘What a terrible tragedy’ and I would nod my head and say, ‘Yes, it was.’
The men would ask, “You wanna sell that mule?” I would shake my head and
say, “Can’t. It’s all booked up for a year.”

Blonde Robbery – A blonde walked up to a man and said, “Give me your
wallet.” The man said, “Okay, but give me the gun. “The blonde gave him
the gun and the man gave his wallet. The man used the gun to steal his
wallet back. The blonde said, “You’re an idiot — there’s no bullets in
the gun. “The man replied, “No, you’re the idiot — there’s no money in
the wallet.”

Lazy ! – If you don’t do it, you’re lazy. BUT if your boss doesn’t do it,
he’s too busy.

Irishman – His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were
questioning him. “Did she say anything before she died?” asked the
sergeant. “She spoke without interruption for about forty years,” said the
Irishman.

Drought Solution… – There was drought in Irelend. Top scientists of
Ireland were discussing about solutions. Their suggested solution was…
“Dilute the water…”

Microsoft Programmer – Microsoft-programmers are flying to the Comdex.
Suddenly a crane crashes into the cockpit. The pilot prepares for an
emergency-landing. The programmers shout: ‘Fly on. Maybe nobody discovers
it.’

Hardware Problem – How many programmers does it take to screw in a
lightbulb? None, that’s a hardware problem!

PMS – How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb? A:
One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in
this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don’t even know the bulb
is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS
before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn’t be
able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they’ve been in the
SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some
miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they
dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb
would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED
WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN
THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT’S A WONDER WE HAVEN’T ALL
SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE
ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS… I’m
sorry…what did you ask me?

Comical Sports Commentary – Weightlifting commentator at the Olympic
Snatch & Jerk Event: “This is Gegoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch
this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.” Ted Walsh, Horse
Racing Commentator: “This is really a lovely horse and I speak from
personal experience since I mounted her mother.” At a trophy ceremony BBC
TV Boat Race 1988: “Ah, isn’t that nice, the wife of the Cambridge
president is hugging the Cox of the Oxford crew.” Metro Radio, College
Football: “Julian Dicks is everywhere. It’s like they’ve got eleven Dicks
on the field.” US Open TV Commentator: “One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is
playing so well is that, before each final round, his wife takes out his
balls and kisses them. Oh my God, what have I just said?”

 

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